As I was sitting at home on a night that my son is with my sister so that I could ‘be an adult’ and get the things done that I needed to catch up…I’ve started pondering what I’m doing with my time.
In the Bible it talks about there being a time for everything in life. Time for joy; time for pain…. ( Ecclesiastes 3) but in the matter of time, what do we have to show for it?
Just recently I realized that I’ve spent 10 years of my life in the state of West By God Virginia. There has been so much growing and learning. There has been love and loss. There has been birth and revitalization….but still I’m wondering what I’m doing with my time.
The moments that I’ve spent in the arms of someone that I thought could love me have just made me realize how unimportant it is if you don’t love that person. Maybe it’s a phase…I don’t know. Maybe it’s something that keeps my depression at bay so those simple moments I can forget about the world and just be apart of that moment.
But really lets think about this….it’s all a great big HUGE fat freaking lie. We say that time is our enemy; or time is money; or the moments we spend make up the time that we’ve wasted. I have spent what seems like the last 5 years pining over a man that broke me to the point that I’m afraid to let someone in. And then when a good one comes around I find ways to push them away because I’m afraid that they are gonna be just like he was. For the nights that I’ve watched men come over and leave as they walk out the door a piece of my soul is destroyed because of how I’m spending my time.
We lie to ourselves to cover up the BS that we don’t want to deal with. I can smile and act like everything is okay when really what I’m lacking is a true intimate relationship where someone can see me ‘naked’. ( now i don’t mean naked as no clothes on lol. I mean naked as to bear my soul and someone accept me for me)
To be; or not to be that is the question? ( Shakespeare)
Do or do not there is no try! ( Yoda)
You must be the change you want to see in the world.” – Gandhi
“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” – Theodore Roosevelt
“Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” – Albert Einstein
So then the question becomes….
- Who am I?
2.What do I want to do with my life?
3.Can I stand Alone?
4. Who will accept me for me?
5. How much time do I have?
The answers are simple enough.
1. I am a survivor. not only from the drug abuse my biological mother subjected me to but to the hurt and abuse that I’ve endured over the years.
2. My goal is to be the best mother that I can be to raise an intelligent and kind-hearted man. In hopes that I watch him flourish on his journey in life.
3. I can stand alone- but even when I’m feeling alone i’m not alone. It takes a village and as a single mom…mine is the best!
4. This question is still pending. but I believe my answer for now is that I accept me for me. I am always changing and hoping and praying that I can be a better version of me although some days its hard. But if it wasn’t hard we’d all be happy- or be in a padded room singing kumbayah? Who knows?
5. Time is never promised. So i will love deeper. I try harder. I will not give up or give in and if it breaks my heart I’ll keep trucking along. I can’t stop trying because what kind of example would that be for my son? Duh! No example to raise a little boy.
My time isn’t so precious. It’s about the memories that I’m going to be making. It’s about the people that I will be loving. It’s about the child that i’m raising and it’s about giving all the glory to God. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination in fact i’m perfectly imperfect. There’s a world out there that i’m going to start living in because I don’t have time to stop living. This means if i need to get healthy…well dang it I’m gonna do it. If i need to sing more….than i’m gonna sing more.( sorry ahead of time) Now cleaning….eh, that can wait lol. But to live and to love even when it hurts is to start somewhere. So my test of time today…its to just be. Be in the moment; be for the good and snub out the negativity. I’ve wasted too much time loving someone who I believe never loved me. it’s time to love myself….whats your test of time going to be?